Its so strange being able to hear someones voice like their sitting right beside you, knowing their thousands of miles away... Today Blue Eyes and I talked to Ben. He is as you know, stationed in Germany and will be home on leave, for two weeks, at the end of May.
Ben has called home a couple of times this week. I have missed each call. His siblings did get to talk to their big brother. Katelyn said, "mom, he was even nice to me." She was thrilled. There is a ten year difference between our oldest and youngest. Space that can sometimes be difficult to fill. Their worlds are so very different. But they do. They do connect.
So after the disappointment of missing calls from Ben earlier in the week, with just Blue Eyes home with me, I called him. In Germany. 4pm. here. 10pm there.
Ben has been a night person for a number of years so I felt safe. The first thing he said was, "mom, do you know how much this is going to cost?" When you need to hear your kids voice, cost doesn't come to mind. Their voice does.
At the end of our conversation, when my heart was full of comfort from hearing our first Born's voice, I called to Blue Eyes to pick up, Ben was on the phone.
I sometimes will overhear what Ben and his dad are talking about. Today was one of those days.
I've known that their conversations are sometimes in a code of sorts. A father, son code. One that is meant to protect me. My heart. My thoughts. My concerns.
When Blue Eyes looked over at me and saw tears streaming down my face, he realized I had heard more than either father or son wanted me to hear. Where Ben will be, and the dangers that are going along with it, when he is in Afghanistan.
As a mom who knows and trust God with her peeps, I find my self still crying. And I struggle with that. I struggle with wondering if I really don't trust God as much as I think I do. Claim I do. The message at church yesterday and last week were about remembering the things God has done in our lives. All of the times He has been there. Gotten us through. Blessed us beyond measure... And He has. In our family. Gotten us through really difficult times. Blessed us beyond measure.
So, why? Why do tears come to my eyes, and fall down my face when I know, God is with our first born. Always with him. No matter where he goes, what he faces, God is there. Beside him. With him.
I'm learning as I go. I'm learning how to be a mother of a son, who is sacrificing all for his country. And I am remembering that Gods plan and purpose for Benjamins life can be trusted. Even though the tears come, and I made Ben promise me to let me hug on him as long as I need when he gets here, and I heard the smile in his voice when he said, "sure mom". God can be trusted. With our lives. With our childrens lives. He is trust worthy.
Tears will come. Tears will fall on the shoulders of the ones I love, and love me. But through each tear, I will choose to trust. I will choose to trust The One who is trustworthy. I will trust Him with our peeps. With their lives, however long or short that might be.
And I will trust and remember that He, is more than enough. Because... He Is.
Its all good. And I am so very grateful.
Hugs from Maine