Ben has called home a couple of times this week. I have missed each call. His siblings did get to talk to their big brother. Katelyn said, "mom, he was even nice to me." She was thrilled. There is a ten year difference between our oldest and youngest. Space that can sometimes be difficult to fill. Their worlds are so very different. But they do. They do connect.
So after the disappointment of missing calls from Ben earlier in the week, with just Blue Eyes home with me, I called him. In Germany. 4pm. here. 10pm there.
Ben has been a night person for a number of years so I felt safe. The first thing he said was, "mom, do you know how much this is going to cost?" When you need to hear your kids voice, cost doesn't come to mind. Their voice does.
At the end of our conversation, when my heart was full of comfort from hearing our first Born's voice, I called to Blue Eyes to pick up, Ben was on the phone.
I sometimes will overhear what Ben and his dad are talking about. Today was one of those days.
I've known that their conversations are sometimes in a code of sorts. A father, son code. One that is meant to protect me. My heart. My thoughts. My concerns.
When Blue Eyes looked over at me and saw tears streaming down my face, he realized I had heard more than either father or son wanted me to hear. Where Ben will be, and the dangers that are going along with it, when he is in Afghanistan.
As a mom who knows and trust God with her peeps, I find my self still crying. And I struggle with that. I struggle with wondering if I really don't trust God as much as I think I do. Claim I do. The message at church yesterday and last week were about remembering the things God has done in our lives. All of the times He has been there. Gotten us through. Blessed us beyond measure... And He has. In our family. Gotten us through really difficult times. Blessed us beyond measure.
So, why? Why do tears come to my eyes, and fall down my face when I know, God is with our first born. Always with him. No matter where he goes, what he faces, God is there. Beside him. With him.
I'm learning as I go. I'm learning how to be a mother of a son, who is sacrificing all for his country. And I am remembering that Gods plan and purpose for Benjamins life can be trusted. Even though the tears come, and I made Ben promise me to let me hug on him as long as I need when he gets here, and I heard the smile in his voice when he said, "sure mom". God can be trusted. With our lives. With our childrens lives. He is trust worthy.
Tears will come. Tears will fall on the shoulders of the ones I love, and love me. But through each tear, I will choose to trust. I will choose to trust The One who is trustworthy. I will trust Him with our peeps. With their lives, however long or short that might be.
And I will trust and remember that He, is more than enough. Because... He Is.
Its all good. And I am so very grateful.
Hugs from Maine
5 comments:
I have a daughter and her family living in China and a daughter living in Germany while her husband is stationed in Afghanistan. They both have a "Vontage" phone so we can talk to them as often as we want. They pay a monthly fee of $20 something for unlimited calls. We can use our cell phones to call them like a local call. It is GREAT! It might be worth looking into for you. We also have put our children's lives in God's hands as well as our own. We trust in our Lord Jeus Christ that He will take care of us, if we ask. God bless you and your family.
What a beautiful Mom you are . . my kids are everything to me also. Our kids are what makes us the people we are. I gave my kids to God a long time ago . . and what he decides to do with them is his business not mine, for some reason that settled my heart and took away all that worry. God is a good God, he never changes, always is loyal and only wants us to trust him. Our faith is what moves God's heart. God Bless your family.
Lisa,
Your post about your son hit so very close to home. My son was in the AFfor 6 years. He had two tours in the Middle East. Afghanistan right after 9/11 and before that Kuwait. He was actually in Kuwait on the second tour and heard they were forming a special mission to go into Afhganistan. shot verison is, he was a crack sharp shooter and got to go. We did not know anything until a day before he was going. His then girlfriend and I talked to him from Kuwait on a three way call. I was at work. She had contacted me and I knew when to expect the call. It sounded just like he was calling locally. We kidded around and he told me he had sent me an email, I was his beneficiary and he had to write and ask me to do certain things if he did not come home. I still could not accept he was going into that country. I did not cry on the phone. As I started back down the hall to my desk, it hit me like a rock, I had just said goodby to my only son *he has two sisters) as he was going where I did not want him to go. I just stopped and cryed my heart out. Lisa, I hold your son, your family and you as a mom so close to my heart. I truly understand the tears and I know HE does too. When my husband lost his kidney to cancer 12 years ago, I cried and was upset for the pastor to see tears thinking I did not trust the Lord with Terry's life. The pastor told me, "if God did not want us to cry, He would not have made tears". So pleae remember that and know HE understands. My son just finished reserve duty but will be going to Turkey for 6 months later this year. So I truly truly understand as a mother and will keep your precious son in my prayers from here on in.
BIg hugs,
Lynn
Praying for you, dear!
What a wonderful son you have.
Love~ Jen
Now, even I'm crying. Have a wonderful, blessed time when he is home---it's coming soon, isn't it?
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